I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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