You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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