Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
