Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
