i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
