just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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