somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
