everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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