They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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