So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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