I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
