Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
