I heard we made out
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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