I bet he comes in French.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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