is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
