nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
