Don't make out with my wife yet
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
All the doctor said was why
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
