I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
