Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
