At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
