Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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