OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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