either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
