Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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