look no pants
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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