he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
