He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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