omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The best revenge is premature balding
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
