Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
