I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
