this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
