the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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