3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I stole a fireplace last night.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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