The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
