No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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