I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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