So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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