Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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