I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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