I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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