I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
