there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
