i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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