I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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