What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
