can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
