I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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