I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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