im six kinds of drunk right now
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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