mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
