i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
