My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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