alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
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